So Youre Plotting to Make Me Use My Head Again Huh Meme
Love songs are where nosotros get our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.
Cipher proficient can come up of this. Photograph past Achim Voss/Flickr.
Throughout human history, oceans have been crossed, mountains have been scaled, and neat families have blossomed — all because of a few uncomplicated chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.
On the other hand, that time you told that girl you just started seeing that you would "catch a grenade" for her? You did that because of a love vocal. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she of a sudden decided to "lose your number" and movement back to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."
"It's only, my mom. Yous know? And L.A. is so hot in the summertime. And yeah, my mom." Photo via iStock.
That time you held that boom box over your head exterior your ex's house? You lot did that because of a love song. And 50 hours of community service subsequently, you're notwithstanding not back together.
Love songs are great. They make our hearts trounce faster. They inspire us to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give us terrible, terrible ideas about how actual, real-life human relationships should work.
They're astonishing. So amazing. And also terrible.
Hither are six love songs that sound romantic merely aren't, and i song that doesn't sound romantic just totally is:
1. "God Only Knows," by The Beach Boys
Yous can proceed your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Get Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."
When it comes to The Beach Boys, "God Only Knows" is where information technology'due south at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A tie-dye swirl of audio. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics always committed to the dorsum of a surfboard.
Youth! Youth! Youth! Photograph past Hulton Archive/Getty Images.
Here's why information technology sounds romantic:
I may not always love you
Simply long as there are stars higher up you
You never demand to dubiousness it
I'll brand y'all so sure about it
God only knows what I'd exist without you lot
If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and not playing "God But Knows" on your iPod, you should really stop and start over.
If you're lazily bumping a beach brawl over a volleyball net and "God Only Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your mind, y'all need to rethink the choices that got yous to this indicate.
If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and yous're non underscoring information technology with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," y'all are doing information technology wrong.
Hippies, likely on their way to a mud frolic. Photo by Colin Davey/Getty Images.
It'south a song that just feels like love. Pure honey. Young love. Beloved with a chill, kelp-y vibe.
What could exist wrong with that?
Here's why it's actually really, really unromantic:
There's naught wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair as they fall asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.
"Miles Ryan stood on the dorsum porch of his business firm, smoking a cigarette..." Photo past hatchettebookgroup.biz.
But in that location is such a affair as loving someone a skosh too much.
If you should ever leave me
Though life would all the same keep believe me
The world could show nothing to me
Then what good would living do me?
Wait, I get it. Breakups suck. There'southward no getting effectually that. But expert God.
There'due south a huge difference between saying: "Hey infant, you are my first and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if you go." And saying: "Welp, you accustomed that job in Seattle, so I'1000 only gonna chug a agglomeration of nightshade and call it a life."
But that's pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...
God simply knows what I'd be without you
...horror-movie creepy. Because the respond, apparently, is: "I'd be a corpse!"
Ah well. We had a good run. Photo via iStock.
That's non beloved. That's codependency (to put information technology mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to impale yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. It's a form of emotional abuse.
Investing all your happiness and sense of cocky-worth in any relationship — one that, by definition, might one twenty-four hour period end — is putting a lot of eggs in ane basket. Sure, God may simply know what you lot'd be without her, but God probably also hopes you have, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.
"Yeah! Hell yeah! What was her proper name again?" Photo by Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.
1 person cannot be anyone's be-all and end-all. It's as well stressful. And it prevents y'all from doing you, which is a thing that's gotta exist done before you can do anything else.
No wonder she took that job in Seattle.
2. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars
Sure, it's a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song yous've e'er heard. But, nosotros don't accept Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts go, y'all could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.
Expect at that face. That face up! Photo by Brothers Le/Flickr.
Here'southward why the song sounds romantic:
Treasure, that is what y'all are
Honey, yous're my golden star
You lot know you tin can brand my wish come true
If you permit me treasure you
If you let me treasure you
Laissez passer those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-grade make-out party and you'll probable get an instant cost pass on the highway to tongue-town (ew).
Laissez passer them to your spouse and, chances are, date night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-nonetheless-passionate frenching.
Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a stop sign, and they will remember you're weird — merely probably even so make out with you.
In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America because of this song.
This is what happens when yous write "Treasure" and yous're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photograph by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.
And I'm OK with that.
But, here's why "Treasure" isn't every bit romantic as information technology seems:
Everything almost "Treasure" is retro. Everything.
Including its attitudes about gender.
"Children, have I ever told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the starting time time we met?" Photo by Jacobsen/Getty Images.
Things showtime to become s correct from the very offset:
Give me your, give me your, give me your attention, baby
I gotta tell you a fiddling something about yourself
Ah yeah. Nothing screams "respect" quite like a man lecturing a strange woman on the street nigh something she "doesn't know virtually herself."
What could it exist? Could it exist that her jokes are funny? Could information technology exist that she's got something in her teeth? Could information technology exist that her nonfiction volume about early modern German history is extremely detailed and informative?
"Cheers for teaching me all about Martin Luther'due south bible!" Photo by Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.
Spoiler Alert: It'due south none of those.
Yous're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you lot're a sexy lady
But you walk around here like you wanna be someone else
Oh. It's that she'due south sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.
Word of advice? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Even if she doesn't, it really doesn't bear on her day-to-solar day so much that yous, a consummate stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).
So what if she does want to be someone else? I'd love to be someone else! I think being Ryan Gosling would be quite dainty. A proficient way to spend a three-day weekend.
Sure, in that location'd be an aligning period... Photo by Eamonn M. McCormack/Getty Images.
And so later on, of course, the narrator can't help himself:
Pretty daughter, pretty daughter, pretty girl, you lot should be smile
A girl similar you should never look so blue.
He respects her so much, he's actually straight-up telling her to smile! Much like Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to "hit [their] hallelujah." Which, you know, I judge everybody's got a thing.
Yes, in the world of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a human complimenting a strange woman and said adult female being then totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."
He and so proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the world's creepiest pirate:
Yous are my treasure, you are my treasure
You are my treasure, yeah, y'all, you, yous, y'all are
You are my treasure, you are my treasure
You are my treasure, yeah, y'all, y'all, you, you are
By this indicate, in his listen, she's a literal affair. An object. Which is plumbing equipment.
I suppose it could exist worse, though. At least she's non just whatsoever affair.
GIF from "The Two Towers."
That's ... something, correct?
3. "Don't Think Twice, Information technology'due south All Right," by Bob Dylan
For as long as humans have been dating each other, humans have been breaking up with each other. And "Don't Think Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.
Bob Dylan, a guy who is practiced at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photo by William Lovelace/Getty Images.
Here'south why information technology sounds romantic:
Well, information technology ain't no apply to sit and wonder why, babe
Fifty-fifty you don't know by now
And information technology ain't no utilize to sit and wonder why, babe
It'll never do somehow
When your rooster crows at the suspension of dawn
Look out your window, and I'll exist gone
You're the reason I'1000 a-traveling on
But don't think twice, information technology'south all right.
Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation like whoa.
"Don't Think Twice" is a raw song. An honest song. A powerful song. It'due south the vocal your older sister played on continuous loop for six months subsequently her beau left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her depository financial institution-teller job, load her 4 Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chime shop in Mendocino. The song your friend's absurd dad always wants to play when he invited your high school band over to his apartment to jam.
"What timbre are you looking for?" Photo by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.
Sure, it's about the finish of a relationship, simply it sounds romantic. And at the terminate of the twenty-four hour period, shouldn't that be plenty?
Here'southward why it's actually sooooo messed upward:
Relationships stop. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no right style to telephone call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties can certainly benefit from a difficult, honest discussion nigh what went wrong.
Information technology's not me, Joan. It'southward you. 100% you. Photograph by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.
In "Don't Think Twice," that discussion basically boils down to: "It'southward your fault."
Let's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Recollect Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:
I gave her my heart, just she wanted my soul
Ugh, women, right? Y'all're all similar, "Babe, I just take so much unspecified beloved to give," and she's similar, "Take out the trash!" And you're like, "But baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart be plenty?" And she's like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole business firm, fed the domestic dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I need you to do is take out the trash." And you're like, "You're aimless me out. I'm gonna go play guitar." And and so she gets all mad! What did y'all do? Why is she trying to change you? UGH!
You could take done better, but I don't listen
Yes. You practise listen! Y'all heed! You wrote a song almost it, y'all passive-aggressive prick.
You merely kinda wasted my precious time
Ah yeah. Your time is so precious! Think about all the hours you wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of homo partnership when you could have been futzing effectually with that dwelling house-brew kit.
Yes, this was worth it. Photo by Bill Bradford/Flickr.
The infinitesimal you start breaking it downwardly, the message of "Don't Think Twice" suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister's ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in boondocks for a while and now might be in jail. Similar your aunt's air current chime store, which would have closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend's cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying child support.
"You kids want a beer? No ane'due south under 13, right?" Photograph via iStock.
Oh yeah, and the song's narrator likewise point-blank refers woman he'due south leaving as:
A child, I'g told
That's right. In addition to being a run-of-the-manufacturing plant passive-ambitious jerk — turns out, he's likewise possibly a pedophile.
Fifty-fifty if we are to take that this is a metaphor and she's not actually a child — which there's no indication it is, only OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly cull an immature partner reflects fashion more poorly on him than it does on her.
Breaking up with anyone in such a brutal, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.
Which, I suppose, may exist the signal.
4. "Leaving on a Jet Airplane," past John Denver
Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk song about hurtling through the stratosphere in a behemothic aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?
This guy. Photo by Hughes Television receiver Network/Wikimedia Commons.
Hither's why information technology sounds romantic:
"Leaving on a Jet Plane" is a lovely vocal. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were notwithstanding kind of new at the time it was written.
'Cause I'yard leavin' on a jet plane
To a modern ear, this would exist sort of similar singing, "I'm a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," but in a way that's somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-year-olds at summer camp. Not easy to practise!
Oh babe, I detest to go
You see — he hates to go! He merely hates it! We know this, considering he tells us he hates it. And why would he detest to become if he didn't dear his partner but that much?
See ya! Photo past Altair78/Wikimedia Commons.
Why indeed?
Hither'due south why information technology's actually non that romantic at all:
All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world can only distract so much from the fact that the song's master character is well, kind of a jerkweed.
And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't actually seem similar he hates being away all that much:
At that place's then many times I've permit you down
Then many times I've played around
I tell yous now, they don't mean a matter
"Babe, I promise! All the movies I watched alone while you lot were habitation nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Actually fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. But rest assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."
"As empty as this bed I just finished having sex activity with someone else in." Photo via iStock.
Yeah, when you interruption it downwardly, "Leaving on a Jet Plane," is less of a passionate tribute to beloved overcoming distance and more than the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he's "good" despite all show to the contrary.
And for all he claims to be broken up about having to office from his 1 and only, the dude seems pretty excited most the flight. Oh, you're leaving on a jet plane, are you lot? Are you Zone 1? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter about the "terrible" Cibo express salad y'all were forced to choke down every bit you saturday waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?
"Life so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photograph past Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.
He continues:
Ev'ry place I go, I'll think of you
Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for y'all
Ah cool. He'll call up about her while strumming and making "my love is delicate every bit the morning dew" eyes at a waif-y grad pupil in the forepart row. That pretty much makes up for it all.
Then he demands:
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that yous'll wait for me
After all the betrayal and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to exist a form-A sleaze who can't be trusted, he yet has the gall to tell her to wait? To wait for him?
And here's the kicker:
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring
Ah yes. He'll put a ring on information technology. Finally.
"Ehhhhhhh...." Photograph via iStock.
Dissimilar all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, drained the family unit banking company account, and just been a full general screwup and thwarting.
Simply yes. This time he says he'll bring back a wedding ring.
I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.
v. "When a Human being Loves a Adult female," Percy Sledge
When you lot look up "soul" in the lexicon, the volume plays you a recording of this song.
Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photograph past Gene Pugh/Flickr.
Specifically, it plays you lot the very first line.
Hither'due south why information technology sound very romantic:
When a man loves a woman
Sure, you lot tin write the lyrics down, but it doesn't even come shut to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, succulent pain-belting:
WHEN A Human LOVES A WOMAN
Closer ... simply still no.
WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!
Yep! Sing it, Percy Sledge!
It's an elemental lyric.
It's a eye-shattering lyric.
Information technology's a lyric that demands you put your back into it.
It's perfection.
As long as you don't proceed listening.
Here'southward why the song is actually pretty horrifying:
From the opening lines of "When a Homo Loves a Woman," we know that, at least on occasion, a human loves a woman.
Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?
He'd surrender all his comforts
And slumber out in the rain
If she said that's the way
Information technology ought to be.
Whoa! OK. No. Back up. A man, no matter how devoted, no matter how selfless, no matter how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man will die of exposure and hypothermia.
Turn his back on his all-time friend if he put her downwardly.
No! Jeez. No. A homo tin can't put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A human being needs friends! Once a homo'due south whole support system erodes out from under him, a man will be bitter, ungrounded, and alone. And a man'due south mental health will deteriorate.
I gave you lot everything I take
Tryin' to hold on to your heartless love
Baby, please don't treat me bad.
This is non what happens "when a man loves a adult female." It'south what happens when a homo loves a controlling, manipulative adult female. An calumniating adult female. A woman who, in truth, only loves a woman. Herself.
"Information technology'due south Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.
And that'south non healthy.
Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're hither for you.
(Side notation: Lest it get unsaid, there is way more than one way for a man to beloved a woman. Possibly they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Perchance they slumber in dissever bedrooms. Peradventure they dress up in large, plush cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a human being loves a man, I imagine information technology feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)
Regardless of the depth of commitment, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there'south no one-size-fits-all love solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Diverseness is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. In that location's more than than 1 way to peel a cat. A spoonful of saccharide helps the medicine go down.
It doesn't matter if it's the right metaphor, as long every bit it's a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.
Betoken being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek help! You can do this! And if yous ever discover yourself in a similar situation, please requite these people a call.
half dozen. "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You," Heart
Honestly, Center could sing a list of the nearly popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World's All-time Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would make me want to bawl my eyes out in the arms of a tall, dark stranger at the stop of a pier.
This vocal is perfect. Yous should always be listening to it. If you're not listening to it now, smack yourself in the face and Google information technology. Information technology'due south just that important.
I am singing the telephone book. You lot are weeping like a tiny babe. Photograph by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.
So much passion. So much pain. And so much hair.
Hither's why it sounds romantic:
Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Centre sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a primal tribute to the one true romantic fantasy shared by every living being on Earth: picking upwardly an unnervingly attractive man for one night of mind-bravado sex and so releasing him back into the wild to os — but never quite as compellingly always once more.
They sing:
It was a rainy dark when he came into sight
Continuing by the road, no umbrella, no coat
So I pulled upwards alongside and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a grinning and so we drove for a while
I don't have to go on considering you know what happens next, and it'southward awesome.
"I but sit in this motel. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photo by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.
At present, hither'southward why this song is non romantic at all:
The relationship in "All I Wanna Do" seems too skilful to be true. And it is. Because it's non an equally loving ,or even equally lusty, pairing at all.
It'southward a...
It's a...
Well. You know what it is:
Adept at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photograph past Pikawil/Flickr.
For a while, things are humming along just fine, like any wholesome, illicit, anonymous affair should:
I didn't inquire him his proper noun, this lonely boy in the rain
Fate, tell me information technology's correct, is this love at first sight?
Sure, many of united states might hesitate to option upward a strange leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached screw, but our narrator simply has a feeling near this guy, and sometimes, you gotta go with your gut.
I tin respect that.
We made magic that dark
He did everything correct
Groovy! Seems like information technology was a good decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big fourth dimension.
Just and then, without warning, the song starts to sound less like an all-time nifty romance and more similar a story men's rights activists tell each other as they vape around a bivouac:
I told him "I am the flower, you lot are the seed
Nosotros walked in the garden, nosotros planted a tree
Don't try to find me, delight don't you lot dare
Just alive in my retentiveness, you'll always exist there"
I'g not a poet. Symbolic language often eludes me. Simply unless "bloom," "seed," "garden," and "tree," suddenly mean wildly unlike things in the context of human reproduction than they have since sexual practice was offset invented in the early-1970s, we're talking about a surprise, not-mutually-consensual pregnancy!
HELLO! Photo by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.
Of course, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You might be tempted to think, "Maybe Heart meant something else by that."
To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:
Then it happened one day
We came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise
When he saw his ain eyes
There are two possibilities hither.
One: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway advertising from nine years ago:
Photo past eyedonation.org.
Or two: She totally conned a dude into whipping up a babe on the sly.
I said, "Please, please empathize
Ah, sure. Yeah. No worries.
I'grand in beloved with some other homo
Absurd, so this all makes sense and is in no fashion the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has now wrecked not ane but two lives.
And what he couldn't give me, oh, no
Was the 1 picayune thing that you lot tin"
A HUMAN LIFE! A REAL SENTIENT Human LIFE THAT IS NOT INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!
The best you can say about that is that information technology's not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should have been responsible for his own nascence command. Or, at the very least, asked more than questions .
But ... it'southward not cute. It's not romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves concur).
And at the cease of the 24-hour interval, the shadiest character in this vocal is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the dark.
Which... is saying something.
But there is a love song that is truly, madly, deeply perfect. An unassailable track in a ocean of problematic faves.
A song that does everything right.
A song that paints a portrait of a salubrious partnership built to last.
A song that can double every bit a manual for the ideal man romantic relationship.
And that song is...
"Processed Shop," by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia
Here'due south why you might exist — OK, almost definitely are — skeptical:
50 Cent (L) and that guy. You know, that guy? That guy! Photo past Ethan Miller/Getty Images.
As tricky as "Candy Shop" is, as fun it is to trip the light fantastic to, and as cathartic as it can be to scream in the center of a crowded fraternity business firm at 2 a.m., there's no getting around the fact that the vocal begins similar this:
I'll have you to the processed shop
I'll permit you lick the lollipop
I'll post that once more, in example you lot missed some of the nuance:
I'll take y'all to the candy store
I'll permit you lick the lollipop
Manner to take i for the team, narrator of "Candy Shop"!
At first glance, "Candy Store" is nobody'southward idea of a classic honey song.
The lyrics are ... unusually forward. The beat is kinda bones. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."
OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."
Information technology doesn't get played much anymore. When it does resurface, information technology feels ... kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.
Information technology's non a song you'd put on a mixtape for your crush. It'due south not a vocal you lot'd play for your spouse when the kids are at home with the babysitter and you've got 9 hours to tear upwardly the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It'south certainly not a song you'd include on the video photograph montage you fabricated for your grandparents' silver ceremony.
It's just not.
But it should be.
So here it is. Here's why "Candy Store" by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship song:
You wanna back that thing up or should I button upwards on information technology? Photo by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.
The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. It'southward only been 20 seconds, and you lot're already getting set up to hang it up with "Candy Shop."
But then ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the form of a female vox joining the rail, cutting through the din like a clarion call.
She sings:
I'll take yous to the candy shop (yes)
Male child, one taste of what I got (uh-huh)
I'll take you lot spendin' all y'all got (come on)
Continue going 'til you hit the spot, whoa
It's mutual! Information technology's mutual! They're performing oral sexual activity on each other!
Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!
Go, cunnilingus doves, get! Photo past liz west/Flickr.
50 Cent himself may non be the world'due south greatest partner — for instance, according to ane of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.
Only the narrator of "Processed Shop"? He gets information technology:
You could have it your way, how practise you want it?
Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he's with — a la the dude in "God Only Knows ("I'm going to invest my unabridged sense of cocky-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'm going to care for you similar a breast full of gold doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Do is Brand Love to Yous," ("I'm going to trick you into knocking me up!") — the "Candy Shop" guy actually asks his partner what she wants.
Which, in the earth of popular music, is adept for about 50,000 trillion points.
And where are they going to do it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The embankment? The park?
Information technology's whatsoever you're into
'Cause consent is sexy!
I ain't finished teaching you 'bout how sprung I got ya
The narrator of "Candy Store" is certainly ... assertive about his desires.
But here's the key thing: the lady on the receiving end of those desires? She's clearly into it. And nosotros know this because she says so.
The lines of consent in "Candy Store" are bright cherry-red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly pasty club floor.
Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photograph by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.
Daughter what we do ...
And where nosotros do ...
The things nosotros exercise ...
Are just between me and you
No matter how nasty they freak, it will be intimate. It volition exist private. At that place volition exist no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).
If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho
Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very mayhap in the case of "Candy Store") minutes long.
She may have a high sex drive, but dude is graciously offer to accommodate her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids just might become the distance afterwards all.
And at the end of the day, what is a relationship just two nymphos, sharing wellness insurance?
Thanks, Obamacare! Photo past Wonderlane/Flickr.
It'south like it'due south a race who could become undressed quicker
Again, everybody is having a great time. And, critically, an as great time.
I touch the right spot at the correct time
Of course, it wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop hit without a spot of random braggadocio, but if nosotros're to take him at his word, "Processed Shop" guy is at least as good at "doing everything right" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to Yous" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.
The "Candy Store" guy is a keeper. Considering he'southward not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering dear god. He's a good partner.
"Processed Shop" is raunchy. It's dirty. Information technology'south not your grandmother's love song.
But when you strip away the swagger, the back vanquish, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," by the end of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the end of the twenty-four hours, isn't that what a healthy human relationship is all nearly?
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Photo by Francois Durand/Getty Images.
Then seductive.
Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is
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